Top positive review
The ultimate symbol of douchery.
April 7, 2018
I fought the wave of what appeared to be trendy douchebaggery for months, maybe years. I watched the six-figure making Crossfit brosayers all around me... Sipping from their sticker clad Hydroflasks.
“Wtf is the deal with these things?”
“$50 for a water bottle”
*douchebaggery amplified by 50x*
“Mother truck that”
I continued to watch them... Eventually the douche juice bottles enter the mainstream. I saw my friend who makes like $20 an hour buy one for herself AND her kid.
“Maybe they got cheaper...”
*friend goes on and on about how great they are*
So, finally deciding that maybe there’s something to this trendy nonsense, I ordered one- in graphite (I like the bright colors but I didn’t want to bring attention to my new douche-cessory). I felt dirty and ashamed. I had given in.
My Hydroflask arrived 2 days later.
I opened the box and saw the most expensive water bottle I had ever purchased in my life. I stared at the Hydroflask Logo. A solitary tear of shame rolled down my cheek.
Then it changed my life.
I don’t know what it is, but I’m compelled to drink more water than I ever have before. Maybe it’s the portability, or the fact it keeps cool water cool for HOURS. Maybe it’s the texture of the bottle or the size of the straw. Maybe they infuse the aluminum with crack. Maybe I just REALLY want to get my $50 worth of use. I have no idea. But it’s real.
I’m going on 3 weeks and I’ve cleared about 2 bottles a day, which for me is HIGHLY unusual.
I have been so impressed that I invited my children and my husband to join me by purchasing them their own Hydroflasks- we are now the douche clan.
The very well-hydrated douche clan.
As the leader of the ever expanding douche-clan, I am proud to report that we’ve had no issues with our eternal symbol of unity. The kids use them ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT. They’re literally never dry on the inside. They sleep in bed with their nice icy water and dream of CrossFit, man buns and Lulu pants- despite the constant saturation there is not a single iota of rust.
In conjunction with the presumed “crack infused aluminum”, I am beginning to suspect that there may be magic of some sort in play. If you have small kids, you understand how impossible it is to have the same water bottle for a week, let alone multiple months. Perhaps it’s the constant threats from mom and dad, perhaps it’s the new household neuroticism regarding the location of our Hydroflasks... Or maybe... Just maybe... A unicorn horn was ground and utilized at some point in the manufacturing process.
In my closure of this update I would also like to share that my grandmother-in-law, who is 96 and about as charming as a cat dropped into a bathtub... Has joined the douche clan. By her request.
This is a woman who the first time I ever met her said “hi nice to meet you” then looked directly at my husband and said “you got fat”. Later that year as her granddaughter (visiting from Germany) got up for another helping of dessert, shouted across the 14ft table “do you really need another piece of cake?!” She also tells me that I need to comb my 4 year old’s hair and said she’s going to be rotten. Real charmer, this one. But she’s 96, so I appreciate her lack of ducks given.
Moving on. She, despite her near-century of witnessing the comings and goings of fads and trends, has succumbed to the power of the Hydroflask.
Tess “Is that a water bottle?”
Tess “Buy me one.”
Me “ok. What color?”
Tess, with zero hesitation “white.”
At that moment I stared at her, I stared at her daughter, I stared at the little white splat dude on the side of the bottle... NO ONE SAFE.